A Week in America, 2019

Monday: Trump tweets proudly he enjoyed shoplifting quick-dry pantyhose for private use.

Tuesday: In separate appearances, Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff accuse Trump of criminal behavior. Thirty-seven minutes later, Trump tweets that “borrowing some pantyhose” is not really a crime and everyone does it anyway, “including us.” AOC tweets a scathing comment speculating what would have happened to Obama if he had shoplifted quick-dry pantyhose for private use. A few hours later, Trump tweets the pantyhose tweet was a joke and accuses Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff of criminal behavior. Says “Awful AOC” is “off-the-charts W`acko!”

Wednesday: Anonymous sources close to the president report Trump gloated about stealing quick-dry pantyhose and even modelled them in private meetings with advisors. Meanwhile, an attaché to the U.S. ambassador to Bulgaria reveals Trump had in a secret phone call requested “an indeterminant but large number” of quick-dry pantyhose for personal use, possibly in exchange for military aid. Numerous liberal media outlets speculate breathlessly that this might finally be the “tipping point” for the Trump presidency. Kellyanne Conway states in a combative interview with CNN reporter Chris Cuomo that “Americans aren’t interested in hearing about what the president did, they want to hear about how the Democrats are opening the borders, inviting terrorists by the thousands into our country, and replacing the constitution with one more Stalin-friendly, why aren’t we talking about that, Chris?”

Thursday: In early-morning twitter-rant, Trump fumes about Radical left wing Democrat/Deep State/Fake News plot to remove him and he never even heard of pantyhose. A leak from an anonymous staff of Melania Trump suggests the first lady took photos of Trump wearing quick-dry panty-hose. According to a report in the New York Times, a Dillards rack-girl, also requesting anonymity out of fear for her personal safety, possesses smartphone video of shoplifting incident. Heavily redacted transcript is released of conversation between Trump and Bulgarian prime minister Boyko Borisov which features closely related segments which appear to establish a quick-dry pantyhose-for-armaments quid pro quo was offered. Mitt Romney holds presser in his front yard to state he is “somewhat uneasy about these developments.”

Friday: Nancy Pelosi, in a presser, accuses Trump of criminal, traitorous behavior that “might well rise to the level of triggering an impeachment inquiry” and suggests contacts with Bulgarian prime minister are treasonous. The House Intelligence Committee issues subpoenas for Dillards security camera footage and for testimony from 14 key players in the Trump administration and several Bulgarian government officials. Susan Collins wonders aloud whether Trump’s interactions with Bulgaria “were altogether meet.” An hour later, possibly in a bid to distract from the scandal, Trump issues unexpected order to round up 2,300 immigrants who have become late submitting visa renewal paperwork, orders them immediately deported and their children caged without soap, and issues presidential order to establish military base on the moon.

Saturday: In early morning tweet-storm, Trump accuses “evil, twisted, American-hating Very Sick, radical Nylon Nancy and Stockin’ Schiff” of criminal behavior “beyond anything ever seen in the history of the Earth” and demands they be “impeached for treason.”

Sunday: Pantygate escalates with a phalanx of enablers appearing on various Sunday morning news shows to regurgitate Trump talking points. Breitbart publishes photos showing Nancy Pelosi in Macys Department Store three decades ago looking somewhat nervously over her shoulder while standing in women’s lingerie section. An ex-girlfriend of Adam Schiff from high school appears in tearful appearance on Fox & Friends to report that Schiff had asked her to wear garish blue pantyhose. A smirking AG Barr uploads a video of himself playing the bagpipes to the tune of The Rains of Castamere.