Yo, Brandy, girlfriend, wake up! While I’m sure you’re a fine girl, and “a good wife you would be,” are you not also a nitwit? To anyone not pathologically naive, the “my life, my love, and my lady is the sea” excuse is code for “I’m too juvenile to make a committment” or, more likely, “my sexual orientation doesn’t align with your anatomy.” Also, he claimed that locket he gave you (that bears his name) was made of “finest silver from the north of Spain”? How generous. Who knew that a job scraping barnacles and mopping poop decks was so lucrative?

At any time during your years of walking through the silent town, and loving a man who is not around, did it occur to you to have the thing appraised?